Leslie Bull: poet, performance artist, filmmaker

hep c emails

by Leslie Bull


hep c emails


...much compassion on the hep c issues.i would kill the looser you caaught it from but the id also have to find who he/sh/it got it from and weed have one more war in this ouchy world and you would still have hep c...i was recently at a wanna be trans inclusive discussion on hiv besides my 101 silent complaints i raised my hand to say ''why on earth would we focus only on hiv when hep see is so crazy rampant too? the next day i heard you were living with it.....


hi james.

thank you for your words of comfort and for talking about hep c. there is nothing more important to me than another's willingness to kill for me :)
when i told my husband stacey about my hep c one of the first things he said was if it was him he would "just wanna know who it was"
i wonder too, in a dreamy, sexy, kind of a way...

to my doctors, keith and tony:

oh my god the way you fixed me.
it wasn't just the way you held my arm and gently probed my crook, the sharp penetration followed by the mind blowing rush,
you never tied me off, never had to,
never invaded the places you weren't welcome.
you found my pulse by pure instinct and it was far more then your considerable physical skills, you doctored my emotions,
doctor of love, real love, unpossessing and unpossessed,
i saw through the scabs on your face tony,
to the heart beneath
you never beat me or tried to fuck
just banged me up behind the dumpster so good
i'll always, always love you
and keith of tangerine hair and suicide, i felt you too. you were my first, and oh my god you were good. how did you know where to
poke me like that? leaving me
breathless and gasping.
we would sit up all night talking until you would begin to cry and wish for your own death.
i was young and cruel. sent you away.
i heard about it when you died
put a shotgun in your mouth down in your father's basement. i hope you are happy now. maybe you are in heaven with a hemprin lock, the way we use to dream about.

i found out last night at the health department that hep c is all about how your body lives with it and i knew immediately that i love mine.
even before when i thought about who gave me hep c, i thought only of keith and tony--my doctors--and feel glad it was them, even feel intimately related to them through our shared blood.
and even though it's all over now for me, i loved dope and fixing. there was a lot of fun on the streets. good times as well as bad. i refuse to allow the shame and stigma of a twisted society to make me say otherwise. this whole hep c thing is like a sinkhole of shame and my answer is to become that shame.
even before "knowing" i have it, i am instinctively loving my hep c, and now that i've divined i'm supposed to, our relationship can only deepen.

take care james,

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